Tuesday, April 15

I Single-Handedly Keep the US Economy in Balance

There are a lot of things that feel really sucky in this world. For example stress, hypothermia is supposed to be pretty painful, and being eaten alive would be up there too. It has taken me 20 years 2 months and 18 days to discover that I haaate climbing out of a warm car. For some reason, being in a car is one of the most comforting sensations to me. As a product of the Technology Age, I am almost physically incapable of accomplishing simple tasks without the aid of music. My little green 1996 Ford Taurus (with a matching swanky green interior) enables me to listen to any kind of music I desire. First of all in the form of radio. Second, an ipod adapter that connects to 1. radio frequencies or 2. the tape deck (I possess both...just in case). Another amenity offered in the vehicle is a controllable climate. This is essential. I have long suspected that I possess a medical irregularity. Anyone who has lived with me would attest to this fear. For some reason, my body's natural temperature is 3 degrees warmer than all other human beings ( I suspect). I am always cold. In my car I can crank the heat up until the interior resembles a tropical rain forest at midday. This is a beautiful thing. Other lesser perks: cup holders, cruise control, mobility, windshield wipers. Thank you Henry Ford for your exploitation of the labor class in order for me to know these joys. All these reasons combined amount to me loathing climbing out of a car. Whether or not I am driving does not matter. In order to avoid this experience, it is not uncommon for me to drive around for inordinate amounts of time "finding a parking spot." As you can imagine, this habit has a pretty significant pitfall. In the form of gasoline consumption. Which, if you pay even casual attention to the economy you would know, is not cheap. I firmly believe that the amount of gasoline I purchase in order to fuel my addiction and car (ha) keeps the United States from spiraling into a depression to rival that of the 1930s.
Having gotten that off of my chest, I have one more thing to say:
Mom, don't be mad when you read this. If it is any consolation, I am a very good driver. I have never gotten a ticket, gotten in a wreck, or fallen asleep at the wheel. One time however, I did hit a pedestrian. Long story.

1 comment:

Jord said...

i hit a pedestrain too!
during my drivers test.
im so glad that we can connect on that level.
look! im the first one to comment on your amazing post about single handedly saving the economy.
if anyone were to be able to do such a thing, it would definitely be you!
i love you!